Baby Smanah. That's what Hunter calls our precious little angel baby. I've been thinking about my little daughter today. With Memorial Day coming I realized that I have joined the ranks of people that have someone to remember on Memorial Day. It always seemed to be an excuse to have a day off of work and play, bbq and swim. But this day is forever changed for me. It will still be a day of fun, a day to enjoy my family. But it is also a day that the world says it is "okay" to remember my little girl that has gone on to a more important mission on the other side of the veil.
This picture just seems wrong on so many levels. It is just wrong that I am holding my baby's finger and reflex doesn't make her squeeze back. It is just wrong that her little face is covered because her mommy can't bear to look at the cruel tole nature has taken on her beautiful little features after being dead a couple of days in my womb. It is just wrong that down the hall we can hear another baby crying... and our room is silent. It is just wrong that this one picure, one precious split second in time will represent all my time with her until I am reunited with her again. It is just wrong that just a few short hours before I was scrubbing my house down top to bottom in "ignorant bliss" getting ready for our little one to come home in a few weeks. It's so wrong that I can remember all these details when some days I can't remember what I had for breakfast!
However, everything about this picture is also so right. Look at how perfect her little hand is, it actually looks like she is squeezing her mommy's hand. She is our perfect little girl... our freebie you could say. We have one child so far that has her calling and election made sure. We got to be a part of the eternal progression of a perfect, valiant soul by helping create her perfect little body that one day she will get to use again. This picture is my proof as the years fade my memory that she was here and that she is part of our eternal family. We were calm as this picture was being taken... so this picture is proof that the Lord can and will susutain you during moments that before you never thought you could ever in a million years survive.
Our family has been doing really well these past few months. I can actually look at the positive aspect of things, and mean it! I haven't cried in a really long time. We have had so many good, uplifting experiences come from this that have more than off set the heart wrenching parts. I can truly say that I feel at peace with the way things have turned out. So I am not writing because I am sad or to make people worry, or to make anyone else sad... I'm sorry if this post does. I am simply writing because it is Memorial Day and I want to remember my daughter.
I think she deserves to be remembered.
A very wise mother that also lost her little girl said (speaking to her little angel baby), "To experience the full spectrum of the most heart wrenching emotions in life and to still emerge triumphant is, in fact, a miracle. That is what I am striving to achieve. I realized that I was feeling myself pull away from the Lord because I have been so hurt by His decision to take you. Then I thought on the fact that he sent His Son to earth. I sent my daughter to Heaven. He sent Christ to horrible, evil people, who would spit upon Him and crucify Him. I sent my angel to a loving Heavenly Father that would protect her from those evils. Thinking about it in this way makes it a lot easier to giver your life over to Him and say, "Thy Will Be Done."
I couldn't express myself any better. Thank you to Londons mommy for expressing these words of wisdom. I am grateful for the Lord and for His hand in our lives. I am grateful that when our loved ones pass on they are passing into the loving arms of their FATHER in Heaven, and that He can love them and take care of them better than any of us here could ever hope to. I am also grateful that He is OUR Father and that he looks out for us, listens to us and gives us strength and comfort in our time of need.
No one would ever be happy that their child died. I think that is against every natural parental instinct we have. But I am grateful for the experience. I am grateful that the Lord chose us to be Savannah's earthly parents. I am grateful that Savannah gets to serve her mission in a place where Satan can't get to her. I am grateful for the way this experience has deepened my love for our Savior and my gratitude for His atonement for us. I am grateful for the way it has deepened my love for my amazing husband and my precious children. I am grateful that it has deepened my love for those around me and those that aren't near me, but have experienced loss similar to mine. And I am grateful to all of you who have been our friends and supported and loved us. There may be a lot of bad things going on out there in the world, but I can bear personal witness that the good out weighs the bad when we look at it from the Lords perspective... easier said than done sometimes huh... but I know without a doubt that it is true.
As Brett and I walked into our dr. appointment on that fateful day that we would find out that Savannah had died, another couple was walking out of the clinic. She looked like she was pretty far along and they were both crying. We assumed they had received bad news. Brett looked at me and said, "Can you even imagine?!" I said, "No and I don't want to." I remember thinking, "that would never happen to me because the Lord will never ask more of you than you can handle and I just know I could never handle losing a child." Minutes later we received the news that Savannah no longer had a heart beat. It was a hard experience, no gut wrenching would be a better description... but we are okay. We did handle it. It wasn't always easy and there were some hard bumps to overcome, and probably more to come along the way. But we came out of it stronger and better people. I don't share this to toot my own horn, because heaven knows I am far from perfect. I do it to "toot the Lords horn." I am living proof that He really will not ask anything of you that He doesn't think you are strong enough to handle, and without preparing a way for you to make it through. He also never gives challenges without giving you something back in return... even though it doesn't always come right away. On top of all the earthly blessings we have received from Savannahs short time on this earth, the best of all is the beautiful, valiant, perfect girl that will be waiting with open arms to greet me one day when the time comes for me to be reunited with her!
I hope we can all enjoy this Memorial Day and have fun with our families. But I also hope that we can each take a moment and remember Him who gave his life so we could be with our loved ones again.
I think He deserves to be remember too.
So, as our wonderful labor and delivery nurse, Lisa said...
Baby Smanah gets....
Special thanks to McKenzie from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep for coming to the hospital at 2am to take pictures of our little one. They are beautiful and I'm so grateful that I have them now, even though at the time I didn't think I wanted them! Thanks also to our wonderful nurses for calling her!
Special thanks also to my dear friend Arian Hatch for taking the photograph McKenzie took and turning it into a beautiful painting that will be a treasured keepsake for the rest of my life! If you are interested in seeing what Arian does check out her blog: http://picturetoportrait.blogspot.com/
